Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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