Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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