awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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