the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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