apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
