Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
