Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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