i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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