Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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