I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
