Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
