Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
