My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
