She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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