You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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