there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
