dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
