i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
