Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
