This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
