in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
