Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
