Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
