My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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