Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
nutella sex= disaster
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
