the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
