Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
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