overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
