She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
