9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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