Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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