I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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