got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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