Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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