I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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