I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
