M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
