FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
