There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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