I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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