I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You made out with two different species that night
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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