two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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