WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
