the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
