dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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