Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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