Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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