the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
