I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
