Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I've blown a few things in my day
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
