If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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